Saturday, July 10, 2010
You neared to me, but I couldn't quite discern you
Then I married D who does want a child and brought my thoughts around to the same idea. It went on our list of things to do "someday." The time to have a baby hasn't yet felt right and there have been good reasons for this in the past.
For some time now now, I've imagined the presence of the child that would be. The little soul is floating around in some alternate dimension, waiting for the right time to come into our lives.
Are you a fluffy little blonde, like me? A dark, rough-and-tumble little boy, like D? Will you be quiet and observant? An old soul? A chatterbox? A social butterfly? Will you have a thirst for knowledge? Will you struggle in school? Will you love the outdoors and collect rocks and bugs? Will you cry when you're 3 years old and the ocean gets your skirt wet and the broken shells on the beach hurt your tender little feet? Will I be able to parent you well? Will we be friends when you reach adulthood?
Will I ever find out the answers to these questions?
For about 24 hours last week, I thought that perhaps you had decided that - planning be damned - the time was nigh. I was simultaneously excited and terrified. However, it came to pass that is not the case. I was simultaneously relieved and disappointed.
This is still not the right time to plan for your entrance into the world. But now I'm worried that I have waited too long. I may never get to hold you, love you, watch you grown and learn and absorb the experiences this great world can offer.
And I wonder, if so, will I always feel the presence of the little one that never was?