Then I married D who does want a child and brought my thoughts around to the same idea. It went on our list of things to do "someday." The time to have a baby hasn't yet felt right and there have been good reasons for this in the past.
For some time now now, I've imagined the presence of the child that would be. The little soul is floating around in some alternate dimension, waiting for the right time to come into our lives.
I've wondered...
Are you a fluffy little blonde, like me? A dark, rough-and-tumble little boy, like D? Will you be quiet and observant? An old soul? A chatterbox? A social butterfly? Will you have a thirst for knowledge? Will you struggle in school? Will you love the outdoors and collect rocks and bugs? Will you cry when you're 3 years old and the ocean gets your skirt wet and the broken shells on the beach hurt your tender little feet? Will I be able to parent you well? Will we be friends when you reach adulthood?
Will I ever find out the answers to these questions?
For about 24 hours last week, I thought that perhaps you had decided that - planning be damned - the time was nigh. I was simultaneously excited and terrified. However, it came to pass that is not the case. I was simultaneously relieved and disappointed.
This is still not the right time to plan for your entrance into the world. But now I'm worried that I have waited too long. I may never get to hold you, love you, watch you grown and learn and absorb the experiences this great world can offer.
And I wonder, if so, will I always feel the presence of the little one that never was?
I know how you feel.
ReplyDeleteRebecca - I don't yet know if I will face the struggles that you have in order to have a child, but I know that must be very difficult.
ReplyDeleteThis brought tears to my eyes the way it is written. Lovely.
ReplyDeleteBeing a parent is the single most, scarey, awesome, frustrating, wonderful, emotionally varient thing I will ever do and 18years on its still this way. I love it.
I'm always amazed at your bravery at sharing yourself here. No matter what a person's feelings about having children are, it's a difficult thing to discuss, and you do so with sensitivity and emotion. I'm sorry for your disappointment. I know that kids just aren't for me, but I still understand what the pangs feel like and even in their milder forms, they're just not fun.
ReplyDeleteGo-Betty - Thanks for your compliment. I enjoy reading about your triumphs (and tribulations) as a parent. I hear it is the toughest, bestest thing one can take on.
ReplyDeleteLimr - For me, choosing not to have a child is - in its way - as scary as choosing to do so. I hope to someday be at peace with it all, regardless of how it turns out. At the moment, each birthday just reminds me that I haven't yet taken that step and I look forward to the time when that is no longer the case.
ReplyDeleteI know how you have struggled with this. I completely understand. You 'get' what a big deal the entire process is, the commitment, the challenges, the selfless lifestyle changes. And when and if the time is right for you, I have no doubt that you'll be an amazing mom. You are already an amazing friend.
ReplyDeleteMwah!
Whether we have children or not, whether it's our own choice or just the way it ended up being, I believe all of us (or at least most of us) will always wonder what it is like on the other side - with a child? Without a child? It's the big things (Could we quit our jobs and travel if we didn't have a child?) as well as the small ones (Could I stay out all night if I didn't have a child?) and I guess that's just the way it is. There are no easy answers to the kids question.
ReplyDeleteI think having children should be something we have to consider again and again over time. When people hear you aren't sure about having kids, they suspect you don't want to give up a certain lifestyle or aren't a warm person, but I think we should wait to have kids until we feel we have something positive to share and have the ability to teach them to be good people. Some people have kids just because they think kids are cute or they want to decorate their lives just like having a pet. I don't think those are good reasons on their own.
ReplyDeleteNicki - Thanks as always for your wonderful support, my friend.
ReplyDeleteDrew - I do often think, having come this far thinking primarily of myself, if the sacrifices involved with having a child are worth it. I keep hearing that it totally is.
ReplyDeleteGatsby - You are right on the money about wanting to wait until I feel I can be a good parent. I don't wish I had children earlier - I'm a much more mature person now and have learned a lot about myself. I hope that, should I cross the line to parenthood, I can be a better one because of it.
ReplyDeleteHugs to you, KB. I hope you get to have exactly what you want.
ReplyDeleteLemon Gloria - Likewise, dearie, likewise.
ReplyDeleteI so identify with you on this. It's always been something that I vaguely thought I would do, though I had no concrete plan or ideas-- it was just out there. But time, she flies, and suddenly I'm of the "higher risk" age... Fella and I talk about it, but I still waver. I like to sleep! A lot! Kids don't let you do that! And then I see someone with a baby and I melt. Then I see a teenager roll her eyes, and I think NEVER. And so it goes...
ReplyDeleteSadie - I think I've finally got to the point where I can imagine making the sacrifices to be a good parent... but I try to tell myself that if it doesn't work out I should value the freedom afforded by a child-free existence.
ReplyDeleteSuch a well written post and something that strikes a chord with a lot of people. And as others have said, if you do decide to go for it, you'll be a great mom.
ReplyDeleteI think our world would be in a much better place (family wise) if more individuals gave life this much consideration.
ReplyDeleteLife is a precious gift and I commend you for recognizing this.
Helen - I apologize, I didn't see your comment until now. Thanks very much for your vote of confidence though. You are very kind.
ReplyDeleteBotut - I thank you for your commendation... though I'm not sure my deep contemplation of the topic doesn't speak to some weakness of character or lack of commitment. However, as you point out life is a precious gift that should be given great consideration.