Nobody but us crickets

Hello - is anybody out there?  All work and no play makes Keenie Beanie a dull girl.  For anybody following along, I took a new job in April and, boy, has it been taking it out of me.  I've been averaging 50 hour weeks, and I just met another big deadline on Friday, leaving me with a few moments to take stock.

Let's see, since I started this job, I've barely picked up my camera, I've nearly stopped writing, hardly made contact with my friends online or IRL, and have no energy or motivation to actually get out and enjoy my leisure hours.  There have been lots of OT hours on the laptop, exhausted early nights when I can't keep my eyes open past 9 pm, and weekend naps.  Come to think of it, the weekend naps have been bloomin' lovely.

Are you a boob man or a butt man?

Me (to the husband): If you had to choose one thing for the rest of your life, would it be boobs or butts?

The husband:  Um, butts I guess.

The husband: (Pause for thought) But if I could, I'd definitely choose one of each.

(He then makes a gesture that looks something like this, complete with hands making a little "honk-honk" motion.)

The husband: (Contemplating his flash of brilliance.) That totally works. I only have two hands anyway.

Me:  But then I'd be all deformed! (Picturing something like this)

The husband: Oh sure.  And you wouldn't be all deformed if your butt or your boobs were somehow removed?

Me: Well, at least I'd be symmetrically deformed.

The husband: This can't end well; let's just leave your butt and your boobs where they are.  They're perfect.

Me: That's a fair point well made.

(And he is a very wise man.)

* * *

The presentation of this missive from Keenie Beanie-land shamelessly imitates certain clever posts by the brilliant Lemon Gloria.  If you aren't reading her blog yet, you totally should.

You neared to me, but I couldn't quite discern you

For a long time I didn't want a child.

Then I married D who does want a child and brought my thoughts around to the same idea.  It went on our list of things to do "someday."  The time to have a baby hasn't yet felt right and there have been good reasons for this in the past.

For some time now now, I've imagined the presence of the child that would be.  The little soul is floating around in some alternate dimension, waiting for the right time to come into our lives.

I've wondered... 

Are you a fluffy little blonde, like me? A dark, rough-and-tumble little boy, like D?  Will you be quiet and observant?  An old soul?  A chatterbox?  A social butterfly?  Will you have a thirst for knowledge?  Will you struggle in school?  Will you love the outdoors and collect rocks and bugs?  Will you cry when you're 3 years old and the ocean gets your skirt wet and the broken shells on the beach hurt your tender little feet?  Will I be able to parent you well?  Will we be friends when you reach adulthood?

Will I ever find out the answers to these questions?

For about 24 hours last week, I thought that perhaps you had decided that - planning be damned - the time was nigh.  I was simultaneously excited and terrified.  However, it came to pass that is not the case.  I was simultaneously relieved and disappointed.

This is still not the right time to plan for your entrance into the world.  But now I'm worried that I have waited too long.  I may never get to hold you, love you, watch you grown and learn and absorb the experiences this great world can offer.

And I wonder, if so, will I always feel the presence of the little one that never was?