I've got a secret. (Settle down; I'm not pregnant.) It's not actually my secret but it has huge ramifications for me. This secret is going to set in motion a series of events that will change my life. The change is going to be hard work - there is so much to do. My mind is spinning, trying to fit all the puzzle pieces together. Planning the what and when is consuming me. I feel like I've become one-dimensional, unfocused, incapable of having a conversation if it doesn't move me one step closer to the goal. This is frustrating because: 1) I can't be open with most people because the catalyst for change is a great big SECRET; and 2) I'm worried about boring/frustrating the one person I can discuss this with (did I mention this is consuming me?).
When I need to, I'm actually quite good at keeping a secret. Once, a coworker who was fired admitted to me the real reason why and then asked me to keep her secret. I played completely dumb every time someone came up to me with the salacious piece of gossip saying, "Did you hear why X was fired?" Clearly she also chose to confide in someone else who was not so discreet.
If someone asks me to keep a confidence, I wouldn't knowingly betray it. Right now, though, I'm second guessing everything I say, afraid I'll let slip the secret that isn't mine to tell. This secret is such a huge part of my inner monologue that I might not even realize that one innocent line of thought voiced out loud could open up a series of questions that I can't answer honestly or come up with a plausible cover for until it is too late.
So I walk around with a proverbial hand clamped over my mouth, anxious and reticent, wishing I could hide away until all of this is out in the open.
* * *
So tell me, are you good at keeping a secret? Do you have anything you want to confess here? I could use the distraction, and my site even allows anonymous comments. ;-)
Oh man girl, now I want to know the secret! I hope as the secre unfolds in your life we get to hear about it here.
ReplyDeleteAs for me, I think I'm a pretty good secret keeper... especially if I know I am not supposed to tell anyone.
I am pretty good at keeping secrets, actually. Well, let me qualify that. I'm good at not spilling the beans if I am told something in absolute confidence. What I may or may not be good at is playing dumb. I'm a terrible liar, so I might think I'm giving the impression that I don't know anything, but for all I know, it's clear as day that I know something but am keeping my mouth shut.
ReplyDeleteGood luck with your secret and upcoming changes! I know how it feels when Big Things Are Afoot and I feel like I'm about to bust my seams! :)
Krysta - I'll definitely be blogging it... watch this space. I'm looking forward to hearing more about your wedding too, BTW!
ReplyDeleteLimr - Well, it's not a bad thing if people can tell you are good at keeping confidences... so long as they respect it and don't try to pry it out of you.
In the past few years I became the Alcatraz keeper of secrets...once they are told to me, they don't escape! The catalyst for my Alcatraz transformation was working in an environment where gossip thrived (like crazy thrived!) It made me sick and I decided to go against the grain. Now I do Alcatraz without even thinking!
ReplyDeleteThe Alcatraz of secrets... that's perfect. There is something rewarding about knowing on isn't mucking around spreading dirt with everyone else.
ReplyDeleteI am really, really good at keeping a secret if asked. Shockingly good, particularly if you think about how much I avoid having my own secrets. I hold on to them and eventually forget them and they're never put out into the world.
ReplyDeleteLisa - Ah, the old "put into the vault and forget the key" trick. Clever girl. ;-)
ReplyDeleteI think you know all of my secrets. Umm...but there are one or two that I may have to tell you outside of the blog world. ;)
ReplyDeletePS. I'll text you since my Skype is inexplicably down.
Looking forward to hearing from you soon, Nicki!
ReplyDeleteMy job means I have to keep secrets and I am good at keeping them too. I have a couple of secrets I keep tucked up that I have never told anyone and never will because the ramifications of it getting out could potentially do some serious damage to a lot of people. I look forward to the outting of your secret though :-)
ReplyDeleteoooh, i really want to know now.
ReplyDeletei am rubbish at keeping secrets. but i have discovered that if you tell your gossip to people who don't know the people involved {which wont help if it's yourself you're keeping it for}, or anonymously, it gets it out of your system - for example, one of my friends told me, all secret squirrel like, that she is preggers. i am super excited. you know, i know, but you dont know who she is so thats all ok!
perfect hey?
Em - Yay for your friend and letting an anonymous secret out into the world. That is a perfect solution.
ReplyDeleteAll will be revealed here shortly.